Anticipation

I'm not the first one to have 4 kids, but somehow it terrifies me that soon (5 weeks and a day) I will have 4 kids. Most of the pregnancy has felt like it has passed painfully slow but all of a sudden it feels very near the end and I'm not ready. They say that we have 9 months to get ready, right? Well, instead of getting ready I was feeling sick and taking care of the 3 beautiful children I already have. What was wrong with 3 again? Oh, I remember. It was Rick announcing to me the day that I brought Darren home from the hospital that he felt like we still had another child waiting to come into our family. Not that I disagree with him, but his timing stunk.

I'm actually really excited to meet this new arrival and find out whether it is a girl or boy. I'm curious if he/she will look more like one child than another, what it will look like and will it have any hair? I'm curious to see its temperament and if it is a good sleeper like the girls or a not so good sleeper like Darren. I'm curious to see how the kids will react to him/her. I'm curious to see if Rick and I will ever find a name that feels right for him/her. I'm also looking forward to not being pregnant anymore. I love to feel the baby move, but as everyone is so kind to point out, I'm huge already and I still have half the baby's growth to deal with. (Did you know that in the last weeks the baby is expected to gain a half to a full pound in a week? Yikes, I still have 5 weeks left. Do the math!)

To make my point, it isn't the actual baby that scares me. I LOVE that part about being a mom and having a baby. I'm scared of the pain from the c-section, even though I know what to expect. I'm scared that the other kids will act up or act jealous and that I won't do a good enough job balancing between them. I'm scared because our finances are tight and we are already pretty cramped in this little house. I'm scared of the mountain of laundry we already have that never seems to be any less. Ditto for the dishes. I had a meltdown last night at the thought of babysitting a little boy and felt like a total nut job. Oh well, I hope it is just pregnancy hormones going haywire and that I'll eventually feel a little calm. I know I will when I actually hold the baby, but it would be nice to feel calm before then.